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"I consider exercise vulgar. It makes people smell." -- Alec Yuill Thornton
|87-Glen Eden: First Time at a Nudist Resort|
Oct 04 2002 - 11:00 PST
cherie writes: Naked people are funny. They have to be. It is simply impossible to be naked and be a jerk simultaneously. Someone might say, “Look at that asshole!” And then you’ve got a bunch of nudists checking out your butt.
At the nudist resort, you can only wear thongs. Here's one interpretation of that rule.
So if you’re up for some good, clean, naked fun, drop by Glen Eden, one of Southern California’s most popular nudist resorts. It’s about a 45 minute drive east of Los Angeles and Orange County. Greg, two friends, and I headed east for Eden to see what this nudist colony thing was all about. First we learned that we should never call a ‘nudist colony’ a ‘nudist colony.’ Colonies are for ants, nudists have resorts.
We have a few friends that live at this particular resort (Glen Eden Sun Club), and I’m going to refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Ant (an acronym I made up, standing for Anonymous Nudist Type). This means that although my friends live their day to day lives buck naked—they believe their employers don’t necessarily need to know the naked truth. (Many people unaffiliated with the nudist way of life assume that nudists are sex fiends that spend their days surfing bondage web sites, planning orgies and renting anything off the XXX counter.
Here I am to tell it like it is. Just because you like being naked, doesn’t make you a sexual deviant. My experience (two whole days at a nudist resort) has taught me that nudists seem more comfortable with their bodies and less judgmental of other’s physical attributes than the normal “I’ve-got-to-lose-10-pounds-before-I-put-on-a-bathingsuit-type.” Most people think “you are what you eat” and then they hide their imperfect bodies under the latest fashions. Nudists think “you are what you are”…so eat, drink, and shake it, baby, shake it. It’s a unique lifestyle that includes a much healthier attitude and a lot less laundry.
This was our first time at a nudist resort, so naturally my friends and I were a little freaked out. I found that a beer and a shot of tequila really helped the “getting naked” process. In fact, each beer made disrobing a little easier. I found that one beer per article of clothing removed is a good rule of thumb for first-timers. As John Irving wrote “there is no better company for an especially personal revelation than the company of strangers.” But the people around me weren’t strangers…they were my closest buddies. I found myself not wanting to know the pubic shaving habits of my best friends. For example, do they go for the wild jungle look? Neat and trim? Or do they prefer the full-shave pre-pubescent look? I didn’t especially care to know.
Just then, my very close friend, Mrs. Ant came wildly swinging around the driveway in a golf cart. She was stark naked. As she came towards me I thought: “It’s great to see her, but I am not ready to hug her without clothes on.” John Irving also wrote “there is no nakedness that compares to what it feels like to be naked in front of people for the first time.”
But the problem of being embarrassed because of being naked solves itself. Remember when you had to give your first public speech and your teacher gave you this advice: “Just imagine that everyone else is naked.” Bingo! You don’t have to use your imagination at a nudist colony because everyone is really naked.
So the four of us stripped down and headed for the front office to sign in. “Goodbye tan-lines!” I shouted. (By the way, one weekend at a nudist resort does not erase 30 years of tan-lines.) Checking in was the worst part of the whole experience (and it wasn’t even that bad.)
As you walk in, you are naked as a jaybird and everyone signing you in is clothed (due to California regulations.) So they get to see your goods, but theirs are nicely tucked away beneath Bermuda shorts and golf shirts.
Second, they ask you for your driver’s license. Sure, they give you some mumbo-jumbo about “rules and regulations”…but I knew they wanted my identification for one reason only…to look at my weight. Yes, like most American women I am sadly preoccupied with my weight. And like most American women I lied about it on my driver’s license. I knew the clerk was mumbling under his breath, “Sure she’s 125 lbs.” After I faced the fact that I fibbed about my weight, I grabbed another beer. I figured if I was a liar, I might as well be a drunk, too.
The next step was more paperwork. As a guest at Glen Eden you have to initial a list of rules. One of the rules says something like “you must be naked in all common areas.” The next rule says “you may not engage in any sexual relations.” So in other words, you have to take your clothes off, but you can’t have sex. Now, I may be a moron, but isn’t that like saying you have to open the beer, but you can’t drink it?
Once you understand the rules (which would be okay for Bill Clinton since oral sex isn’t the same as “sexual relations”) you can go inside. At the Glen Eden Sun Club there are a myriad of G-rated activities that you can do without your clothes. You can: eat at the restaurant naked, play tennis nude, swim in the buff, wear your birthday suit in the Jacuzzi, worship in the out-door chapel in the outfit God gave you, and drive around in a golf cart (looking for balls?)
Now I’m going to address the question that is on everyone’s mind. “What do men do when they get an erection?” The answer is simply that they don’t. It doesn’t take very long at a nudist resort to destroy years of socialization shattering the connection between “being naked” and “being sexual.” You can be nude and not be lewd.
Once you get used to looking at people’s naughty parts, they don’t seem so naughty. They just seem natural. People’s cooters and willies become as trivial as their knee-caps and shoulder-blades. But if you do get an erection (which rarely happens) you do what your mother always told you to do at the dinner table: “Put your napkin in your lap.” Nudists always have towels. They don’t want to sit their bare bottoms down without their own personal blanket of protection. And if you are lying in the sun when your pole rises, you can just roll over.
“What about ‘that time of the month’ for women?” According to Mrs. Ant, it’s no problem. You just tuck the string up. By the time I asked all my naïve questions, I was bombed and I couldn’t remember the answers.
The day we spent at Glen Eden was packed full of poolside fun. But after the sunset, it got a little chilly. Most of the ladies didn’t mind (they were all perked up) but a few of the guys did (they were all petered out).
The only things we wore all day were temporary tattoos. We ended the day with a BBQ and I concluded that everyone’s life at the nudist resort seemed to be one big vacation. People liked themselves, liked their jobs, loved their families and loved their lives. The people, without exaggeration, were radiant. I learned a lot in those two days. Happiness is about “being” not about “doing” or “having.” When you’re naked it’s not about what you wear, where you work, or what you drive. It’s about who you are.
In the end, I guess we were pretty good first-time nudists, because they gave us free passes to come back. (Normally it costs $15 a person to use the facilities.)
We can’t wait go back, because there is still so much to do! The time went by so fast we didn’t get to jiggle around the tennis court or play naked shuffleboard. An additional benefit is that when you spend a day at Glen Eden Sun Club, you never have to worry about what to wear! You can find out more information at Gleneden.com
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