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"Assume nothing. Inside every dumb blond there may be a very smart brunette." -- Ann Landers

47--Mexico: Mistress Gets Two Legs Under Her Belt @ Where`s Cherie?     Aug 05 2002 - 16:47 PST cherie writes: From the Baja Ha Ha Cruiser's Rally 2001 After completing the first leg of the "just for fun" Baja Haha Rally, our crew of seven decided to give out a few awards. (To ourselves, of course.) Tom got "Person most likely to see a whale off the bow and NOT notify the rest of the crew." Dustin was a dual award winner with "Most likely to get a cold shower." He also won, "Most likely to need a cold shower." Ray got "Most likely to starve" (No more for me, I ate a chip yesterday, remember?) Ray also won "Most likely to be to be taking a nap. "Scott won "Most likely to get scurvy." (Yuck! Is that vegetable on my plate?) Jean got "Most likely to deviate from the pre-set meal plan." (Do you guys just want to do something easy and have nachos for lunch and Snicker's for dinner?) Jean was also awarded "Most likely to wear a pancake as a face-mask." (Explanation to follow) Joe won so many awards; I don't have time to list them all. His most notable are "Most likely to stack the beer bottles in the fridge on a spring-loaded torpedo tilt, so that when you open the fridge, they are triggered to launch." Joe also took home the "Most likely to quit his job and sell sun-screen." (Sun block anyone?) I won most likely to consume a Diet Coke while eating a Costco-Sized bag of chips." I also won "Most likely to be using the Global Star Satellite phone." Although Scott won "Most likely to 'drunk dial' in the middle of a sailing race, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the ocean." We almost had to forfeit the race because we thought Ray was dying. "Boy, that is a bad cough!" Then we realized it was a sea lion, floating next to the boat. It was hacking up a fish. (The sea lion, not Ray.) Or the sea lion was doing a damn good imitation of Ray's snoring. We'll never know. Ray was a little upset this morning. He just realized that he is older than Jean and Dustin combined. He would have had a mid-life crisis, but there wasn't enough room on the boat. Before we took off, we had an impressive exchange with competitor "Learjet". As our 50 plus foot boats glided with inches of each other, we gave them soy sauce and wasabi in exchange for breakfast burritos. Always thinking "safety first" we had to tie our spinnaker pole down-- so it wouldn't attack Wally again. Although Learjet ended up beating us the second leg of the race too, they did capitulate that the Mistress has better jokes. (Not that we are competitive or anything!) Joe's favorite Mistress joke of the day is: "Why is the Mistress so great? Because she lets my wife ride her." I began the morning in a fit a jealousy. I am jealous of Dustin's fishing line. I practiced tying knots all day, and I just couldn't get any of them right. But in a just a few minutes, the fishing line tied itself into whole bunch of cool knots that Dustin didn't appreciate as much as I did. As we prepared for the second leg of the rally, I decided I needed a little more attention, so I injured myself. Joe and I were hoisting the main sail when the halyard pierced my finger. Since I already promised my parents I wouldn't get any body piercings, I had to detach myself from the wire, stop screaming, and start bleeding. Ray was full of sympathy after I bandaged myself up. "How is that puncture wound feeling?" Ray asked."I think it stopped bleeding." I said."Did you sign that 'Release of Liability' form?""Yeah, I think Jean forged it for me.""That's good." Ray said."Do you want me to get you some hot coffee and spill it all over myself." I asked. This is just one example of how I am always offering to help, even when I am hurt."No," Ray said, "I think you've done enough for the day." We've been trying to take care of Mistress, but sometimes it's hard to guess what she wants. You'd think if a sailor gave his Mistress a nice broach, she'd appreciate it. Not our Mistress, when we laid her on her back, she didn't like it one bit. In fact, she threw up. That's one thing about living on a sailboat; it is like living in a giant childproof container. Every door and drawer has a "safely latch" that makes it impossible to open for everyone EXCEPT Tom's children. The funny thing about these little hatch-gizmos is that that they never work when you intentionally want to remove an item from a drawer. But, when the vessel keels over, the "safety" latches release and willingly vomit their cupboard's breakable contents onto the cabin floor. Another thing, you'd think Mistress would like a nice gift. But we tried to wrap her a chute, and again...no appreciation. Women. Like many females, it just took us a few days to figure out how to press her buttons. We finished leg two in 2018 minutes. In those 33.63 hours, each of us had a few "moments" on board where no sleep, close quarters, and too much caffeine caught up to us. Jean and I have a new way to deal with people when they snap into instant grouch-mode. We say "beep, beep, beep," as if we were a large truck backing up from the offending grump. Note: although this action is extremely funny to the "beeper" the person who is being "beeped" rarely sees the humor in the situation. Why are the items that are the WORST things I could bring on a teak deck, the very ones that make the best mid-afternoon snacks? The worst things for wood on deck are red wine, chocolate, blueberries and chips. (Source: Tom) "You can bring anything else up here." Tom said, "Except beets." In respect for the Mistress's teak decks, Jean is trying to earn her keep by varnishing them with spilled tea. Although the bottom of Jean's mug is the size of a dinner plate, it prefers to be on its side leaking its contents onto the electrical item of the day. The camera, the binoculars, the CD player, Jean's tea has a honing device to find them all. But it's OK with Tom. As long as it's not beet-juice. Oh, here's the promised "pancake on Jean's face story". After Jean and Dustin made the crew a hearty pancake breakfast with real syrup, real bacon, and real butter, Jean decided to take a nap. Dustin, ever the thoughtful boyfriend, decided to shield the sun from Jean's eyes with a leftover pancake. (He even made nose holes so she could breath! Sensitive guys like that are so hard to come by these days!) I fell over laughing, which woke Jean up about the same time Dustin was picking her nose. (The photos of this event are priceless.) Then Jean and I went on deck and launched the booger pancake at Joe who was at the helm ready to steer the Mistress to victory. He ducked and the pancake flew into the water. We sailed away as it floated on the sea like a beautiful carbohydrate lily pad. This is a classic example of a very moving and sentimental sailing moment that our crew shared. One nice thing about our crew is that we work as a team and we all take responsibility for our sailing mishaps. We address the problem, instead of assigning blame. For example, no one would ever insinuate that the reason we lost the second leg of the race was because on Joe and Scott's 3-hour night watch they sailed us 17 miles in the wrong direction. It could have happened to anyone who wasn't looking at the GPS. We all know how easily it is to get in a discussion about Sci Fi books and "not hear" the loud "beeping" from $20,000 worth of sailing navigation equipment trying to signal that you are straying from the intended course. Again, we are a team, and we are here for the experience. Joe and Scott are just having so much fun; they just want to extend our ocean time together. (This is similar to how a golfer likes to get in a few extra strokes on the last hole of an expensive course.) I'll end this log with a countdown. Five is the number of days Tom has worn the same shirt. read comments (0) | write comment| views: 7897    | rated: 0.0    printer-friendly version